Tips to embrace your life as a precious Grandparent.
How do you feel?
I can take my mind back 17 years ago when my daughter told me she was pregnant for the first time. Your beloved daughter is about to embark on a lifelong commitment about which, at this stage she understands nothing! So it’s not surprising that you want to impart so much information of your experience. My message to you would be that times not only change but to hold onto your advice unless asked, as your child, though now an adult needs support, not fear nor continual stories of your experience 30 years ago.
But do support and reassure
While empathy and practical support are useful, constantly referring back to your own parental difficulties or experiences are not.
Equally, you may have deep-seated fears about certain issues but be aware that these are your issues. Projecting your own challenges or concerns are unhelpful at best and damaging at worst. Your children will have enough fears of their own, and your job is to calmly reassure and support and talk through the issues as they crop up, to enable your daughter or daughter-in-law to learn.
It is so odd that for most jobs there is training and even qualifications but for the most important role of all there is little training or your training is working with a doll who pretends to cry!!
What do you remember from 30 years ago?
While you may have been able to change a nappy with one hand and cook with the other 30 years ago plus have a conversation with a friend, it’s likely that you have forgotten how to multi-task in this way.
Although some of the memory and experience will return, you will find that there are some areas where times have changed. What babies can eat, for example (fish, soya and dairy aren’t recommended for under ones.) Where they sleep – sharing the Parental/Grandparental bed is seriously out – and how buggies work. So don’t go in unprepared – do some research before the baby arrives. Then you can be the competent Grandparent.
.Break the rules – a bit
Of course, you do not want to return Grandchildren back to their parents “sugared and shaked” but believe me the rules are not as tight with Grandparents. Yes, within some boundaries you will spoil them!
Sometimes I bring my Grandchildren breakfast in bed when they are staying and their birthday presents are always 24 hours of my time enjoying a treat of their choice. It so annoyed me to find that my present was not used after the first occasion!
This 24 hour treats over the 14 years of enjoying 6 Grandchildren has given me enormous pleasure and I hope will be remembered by the children in later life.
The danger comes when the spoiling isn’t just a little mild indulgence – you’re actively breaking clear rules set by the parents.
So 15 minutes tacked on to bedtime won’t hurt, undermining dietary rules or allowing them to watch forbidden TV is straying into conflict. Remember, a little rule breaking goes a long way and is loved by your Grandchildren and accepted by the parents but overstep the line and you are asking for trouble with relationships.
Manage long distance
There’s a good chance your son or daughter will be living a good few hours’ drive away, if not abroad. Luckily, it’s possible to have a happy ongoing relationship with far-away family nowadays, thanks to Skype and Facetime. Speaking to them in real time means you never have to feel far away. So the arrival of Grandchildren is a good time to wake up and smell the virtual coffee!
Accept that you have no control
The hardest thing about parenting is being responsible for everything. And the hardest thing about Grandparenting is accepting that you’re not!
The cornerstone of being a good Grandparent is not only respect for the parent’s views even if sometimes they do not agree with yours. Your most important role is giving your precious Grandchildren time and love.
Grandchildren love hearing about their Mummies and Daddies when they were children.
But one word of caution, before you speak to your daughter, son or in-laws please remember to take a deep breath; and always ask yourself: Is this helpful to anyone? Unless the answer is a resounding yes; don’t say it. That way, you’ll never go wrong and have a great relationship with all the family.
Grandchildren have enhanced my life beyond any expectation and though I expect nothing in return, it is heart-warming when the Grandchildren clearly love spending time with me; and I know it will be the same for you.
I love to hear your comments so view my website www.gillmathias.com, email me on info@gillmathias.com or ring me on 01530 589216